"I Do! I Do!"

Detailed Play Description

Scott came out first on stage right (facing the stage, that’s the left side of the stage or, from the actor’s point of view as he looks out to the audience, his right side). He was wearing a white naval outfit and cap and white shoes. Chelsea came out stage left in a bridal gown and veil. They sang “I Do! I Do,” the opening number. The stage was set with a four-poster double bed and bedroom furniture. A projection of a church window and appropriate music created the chapel scene. Scott stepped in military fashion to center stage as Chelsea glided to meet him. Scott (Michael) placed the wedding band on Chelsea’s (Agnes’) finger and they sang their vows to each other. 

The next number, “Good Night,” takes place in the bedroom. The bride and groom are plopped on the bed exhausted from dancing. Agnes complains her feet hurt. Michael takes off her shoe and begins to kiss her leg. Agnes pulls back aghast, asking what he is doing. Michael proclaims he is worshiping her. Blushing, Agnes gets off the bed, grabs her suitcase and hurries to her closet (stage left). Michael calls after her, “Where are you going?” He thinks a moment, and then utters, “Oh.”

 Off come the shoes and socks, off comes the jacket, off come the button down pants. On goes the nightshirt and cap over tee shirt and boxer shorts. As he waits and nervously prances, Michael tries several nonchalant poses, then modestly pulls on the pants (though he doesn’t re-button them) and sits posed in the chair waiting for Agnes. When she comes out in nightgown, he stands up. She asks, “Do you wear a nightcap?” He whips it off his head. “No.”

 Michael sidles to the bed, kicking off his pants as he goes and he and Agnes begin to pull down the covers when Agnes discovers a blue pillow under the sheets. Michael grabs it from her to read the words. Agnes asks and Michael responds, “God is Love.” Mother must have put it there. She’s elated. He’s deflated.

 They again sing “Good Night” and Agnes confesses she has never seen a man without his clothes. Michael tells her she hasn’t missed much. She asks him if he’s ever seen a woman naked and he replies he must have but she realizes he is as innocent as she.

 After trying again to overcome their nervousness, they retire under the sheets. Afterward, as if in a dream, Michael declares , “I Love My Wife.”

 Time passes and Agnes is pregnant. She wonders “Something Has Happened” and where she was one, she’s now two. Michael frets that he is a third wheel. He groans and collapses on bed in pain, calling for Agnes to attend him. The pain is no longer in his head. It has moved to his lower back and side. She asks if it is a sharp pain that comes in waves growing stronger. Yes, Michael moans. “Michael, it’s not possible,” Agnes tells him, “You’ve got labor pains.” Michael stomps out of bed, gets his shoes and socks and begins dressing. Agnes asks where he is going. To fetch the doctor, he replies, telling her that the doctor said to get him when the pains start. “Mine, not yours,” Agnes tells him and pulls him back to bed, to which he petulantly replies that he doesn’t want to go.

 Shortly afterward, labor begins for real. Michael rushes to her, holding out his hands as if to catch the baby. Agnes climbs into bed and Michael runs to dress to fetch the doctor, but she doesn’t want him to go. Michael reads to her from his new novel, a trilogy, “Burnt Corn.” The pains get worse and finally Agnes sends Michael for the doctor. He takes a last look at his writing before rushing off.

 My favorite moment in the play is after Mickey is born and Michael and Agnes are bickering. They put away their differences as Agnes confesses, “Sometimes in the morning when shadows are deep, I lie here beside you just watching you sleep. And sometimes I whisper what I'm dreaming of, My Cup Runneth Over with Love.” It’s a beautiful duet that Chelsea and Scott sing to each other. I was misty-eyed, thinking of my own family.

 Agnes and Michael decide “Love isn’t Everything” as their family grows with the addition of a girl and Michael struggles to pay the bills. Michael explains (to the audience) about the difficulty of the writing profession after ordering Agnes to clean up and put away the toys. She angrily throws stuff into the wagon, banging the wheels on the floor to purposefully interrupt him. She takes the wagon off stage and there is a crash. Michael continues talking to the audience. Agnes calls, “I’m all right.” She returns on stage to get the tricycle. Chelsea hikes up her skirt and straddles the trike, peddling it around Michael. He tells the audience about his new book. Agnes says it’s dull as she trikes off the stage.

 Strife between Michael and Agnes grows. Michael chastises Agnes for spending more than he makes and being overdrawn at the bank. She complains he chews in his sleep. They read lists of each other’s faults to “Nobody’s Perfect.”

As Michael’s novels do well and his reputation grows, so does his ego. He declares he’s involved with another woman although, in the ensuing argument, she learns they haven’t done anything yet. Michael tells Agnes that men grow more handsome and desirable as they age “It’s a Well Known Fact” while women go to pot. Agnes doesn’t listen. She storms off to get ready for bed. When she returns, Michael leaves to get dressed for bed and Agnes proclaims if he leaves her, she will also try wanton love in “Flaming Agnes.” Their shouting match continues when Michael returns. They yell at each other from opposite ends of the stage, ending with, "go to hell."

Agnes packs her bag and Michael helps her, stuffing the blue pillow into it. She leaves and after a beat, Michael calls after her but there is no answer. He calls again, then rushes to find her, dragging her back into the room. Michael opens her bag, unpacking her things. He tells her to put the blue pillow back on the bed. She tosses it to the floor, refusing.  He finally picks up the pillow, wraps her arms around it, and pushes her and the pillow onto the bed. "Thank you," he tells her. They both realize they don't look at each other with love as they declare “The Honeymoon is Over.”

The curtain closes and there is a 15-minute break.

Act two opens with Agnes and Michael still together and it is New Year’s Eve. Michael is asleep while Agnes plays with party favors and noisemakers. She blows on one, waking Michael who jumps out of bed shouting “Happy New Year.” She tells him it is a false alarm. They realize they are getting old as they ask, “Where Are the Snows?” Michael frets about Mickey being out late at 16. The alarm finally goes off and Agnes and Michael prance around shouting “Happy New Year.” Michael hits the alarm. It doesn’t shut off. Scott hits it again. Nothing. He turns it over and he and Chelsea stand grinning as the alarm winds down. Another prop failure. The audience roars with laughter. There is a pregnant pause before the play can continue.

At 4 in the morning, Michael wakes Agnes, ranting that Mickey still isn’t home. He gets out his belt, threatening to have it out with “her son.” Finally, they hear the front gate and Michael storms from the bedroom to confront Mickey. Shortly he returns, dragging the belt. As he heads for the closet to put the belt away, Agnes asks, “Well, what did you say to him?” to which Michael replies, “Good Morning.” He returns somberly to the bed and climbs in next to Agnes. She scolds him that after all his ranting that was all he said and asks why? Michael replies dejectedly, “He was wearing my tux.” He pauses a beat, then finishes, “and it fit him.” Tenderly Agnes reminds Michael that the kids will soon be on their own “When the Kids Get Married.” This is the same number Scott and Chelsea sang at the Hamilton benefit. Scott still played the sax – badly – but his playing was much improved from the Hamilton.

When the applause ceased at the end, Chelsea pointed at Scott with her violin bow and improvised "Obviously not a member of the St. Louis Symphony.” Scott's face struggled for composure. We thought we saw restrained laughter as the whole audience broke up. By the time we had stopped laughing Scott had thought up a comeback "Lovely hairdo" (I  think) referring to her frizzy permed wig. 

More time passes and Michael laments his daughter is marrying an idiot in “Father of the Bride” as he longs for the return of his little girl.

With the children married, Agnes feels her job is over and she is no longer needed as she ponders “What is a Woman.” She decides it is time to move on, that she no longer loves Michael. He tells her he needs her and loves her and Agnes realizes “Someone Needs Me” as Michael realizes how much he truly loves Agnes.

Fifty years have passed and Michael and Agnes are old. The house has been sold. All is packed and the furniture gone except for one trunk and the bed. Agnes tries to leave a souvenir behind for the new couple – the blue pillow – but Michael admonishes her that she is not going to ruin that poor boy’s night. She sends Michael to the wine cellar and again tries to hide the pillow under the sheets. Michael returns with a champagne bottle left over from Mickey’s wedding. He looks around the room, remarking on the echos he hears of the past. They finally compromise, singing together of life and love in “This House.” Michael gives in to Agnes. He allows her to leave the pillow on the bride’s side of the bed and props up the champagne bottle on the groom’s side. He sweeps Agnes up in his arms and carries her off in a final kiss.